Kandgoods-Nappalicious!

2012-02-16T16:09:00.000-08:00

Don't even know...

2012-02-09T05:38:00.001-08:00

I'm still processing all of this.

2012-02-03T09:54:00.000-08:00

WHY THE FUCK do I have to pussyfoot around people that clearly don't give a fuck about me or my feelings? Everyone can fuck RIGHT off. Not having this shit anymore, not fucking begging to be apart of anyone's fucking life.

Why do people think they have some golden fucking life to offer me, no one has shit!

JUST FUCK OFF, DON'T SEND ME NO SHIT, DON'T FUCKING TALK TO ME. JUST FUCK RIGHT OFF. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANYONE. IF YOU ALL DIED TOMORROW, I WOULDN'T GIVE A SHIT.

JUST FUUUUUCCKKKKKKKKKK OFFFFFFFFF

DUMB FUCKING IDIOTS!

What I don't understand is...

2012-02-02T16:25:00.000-08:00

why the toilet is ALWAYS so far away. No matter whose house I'm in!

Damn it all!

A and B class, month.

2012-02-02T14:35:00.000-08:00

Everyone is annoying.

That is all.

...

2012-01-29T16:38:00.000-08:00

Watching 'The Science of Sleep'...and I can't sleep.

Funny.

Btw, this is one of my favourite films :)

Another pic.

2012-01-27T06:02:00.000-08:00

pic

2012-01-24T17:58:00.001-08:00

More to come, can't be arsed to upload right now.

peace x

Ms Dynamite- Neva Soft:

2012-01-24T08:18:00.001-08:00

Plans, or something. I don't know...

2012-01-23T07:54:00.000-08:00

So I got a few things done today, I exercised, applied for some jobs associated with the field that I want to pursue my career in. I studied a little.

I feel better.

I don't remember the last time I slept. It's been over 3 months since I've had more than 30 minutes sleep. Barring one morning where I slept for four hours and last week when I took a pill and slept for 11 hours (I woke up a couple times in between, but no more than 5 minutes to check the time). Lol, it was such a deep sleep, I thought I was dead until I woke up. It was the best sleep ever, but sadly- no more pills until I go back to my friend/ suppliers's house. I've decided I'm not leaving my house until I get a job, get my outstanding affairs in order, learn to drive, get a car, do a satisfactory amount of studying, and tone up for my holiday this summer.

I have fuck all else to do...why not, ey?

Happiness? Psshhh.

2012-01-23T06:01:00.000-08:00

I know I always sound depressive and I'm generally not. I'm more of a realist, but right now if I were to die...I just wouldn't care. Well, I would care about hurting my mum, but that's it.

I don't think this is negative, I accept it. I think everyone else is or should be thinking along the same lines...unless you have kids, extremely pious or a career that you're in love with.

Life is just shit.

I know the only time I will be truly happy, is when I start taking Islam seriously. Until then, life will be sucky. But, I've long accepted this.

Sh*t is close to le fan....

2012-01-21T09:56:00.000-08:00

I just cannot believe that you can love someone else if you aren't capable of loving yourself. Whatever feelings you're clinging to, as genuine and justified as you might think they are, it's not love.

That's why things had to end the way they did. That's why I can't give you a second chance and it breaks my heart to say...but, I just can't trust you; just as you can't trust me for not being honest with my feelings from the start.

You are entirely unapproachable and you wouldn't have it any other way.

Women...difficult!

Anyway, I'm not in a foul mood, just pondering on some stuff.

OMGSH

2012-01-20T19:20:00.000-08:00

Me: Do you have asthma???
Hubby: It's been nearly 7 years, didn't you know that?
Me: I think you might have mentioned it, but don't you have an inhaler?! You sound so raspy.
Hubby: No, I prefer my voice when it's like this. I sound sexier. I sound like...DMX, (DMX impression) "Where my dawgs at?! ROOFFF!"
Me: ...Ok, I have to tell people about this...

Me.

2012-01-16T10:56:00.001-08:00

Mother Dearest always says...

2012-01-15T11:55:00.000-08:00

it's when you become so wrapped up in your own self, own affairs, own head, own world...that you become ill. Because you're swallowed by your own issues and you're now in a position where you are surrounded by them. You can't see passed them.

So she always tells me to stop talking about myself so much.

And I try not to, because it has become very clear to me that she's right.

There are more important things in the world. More people actually suffering. I'm not going to stop myself from being in a position to help those that truly need it. I'm not suffering. I'm on a laptop, in a comfy room, with future prospects that I can be somewhat certain of.

I love my mum.

Thought about it...

2012-01-14T09:45:00.000-08:00

You know, I feel embarrassed by my previous post- but I'm leaving it up there for two reasons. One, for the beautiful comment that Paula left, being her usual wonderful and supportive self and two, to show how easy it can be for other people to unearth the nasty qualities in you.

My husband said a few things to me that I didn't even consider.

Me: People shouldn't be allowed to treat people as though they aren't human and get away with it, it's NOT right!

Hubby: We don't know why she did what she did, and right now I hate her for making you cry- but she's definitely not the same person she was before. People change. Speak to her, let her know how you feel and show her that you have achieved so much since then and that will make you feel better. Because of that experience, you have the tools to teach our future children how to deal with people like that, so it won't affect them as badly.

Me: I shouldn't have to do anything like that, because people like her SHOULDN'T exist.

Hubby: You're very right, but they DO exist and our children will be on a completely different level to people like that, because of you and your experience. Talk to her.

The friends that I mentioned earlier, although they don't know what she did, basically said something along the lines of "Everyone has a conscience, no matter how much they deny it to your face. If you talk to her, she will always have to live with herself knowing she brought you so low. She'll know how you felt and that is good enough- that proves karma does exist on some level"

They also took great delight in relaying the fact that she broke her new blackberry yesterday. That didn't make me feel better, but their attempts to make me feel better made me feel warm inside. Lol, got to love them!

I feel a lot better. I'm going to try and talk to her, but I have to write everything down that I want to say. I never, EVER thought I would get this opportunity. I want to make her feel like shit, I won't lie. But I'm not going to set out to do that, I'm just going to recount the facts; what she did, how she made me feel and how it still affects me; both positively and negatively.

I don't know how she'll react, I know she's a bitch because she still hangs around with a certain bitchy/ trashy group. I dunno. I'm an adult now, I'm not going to put hands on people, because I have no right. Violence will always be disgusting to me and I don't want to be that person.

I want to get this perfect, for myself and for all the people that never really had the opportunity to tell their tormentors what damage they've caused. I'm very open to suggestion. I'm rarely ever stuck for words, but this is something different...

Bullies.

2012-01-14T07:19:00.000-08:00

This is odd.

Someone who really messed up my childhood and ultimately my life- who I knew was "around", but I thought I would never come into direct contact again, has just reappeared.

She's a bully. On a different scale. She made me so suicidal. Those are when the first thoughts of suicide ever formulated in me.

She's now become a friend of my close friends. I heard them talk about her before and mention the name, but I was blissfully unaware of it's significance until I saw pictures. At first I wasn't sure, but then I asked her name again and got the confirmation I dreaded.

I told my friends that if I ever saw her face to face, I would slit her throat and happily go to prison for it. End of.

They're worried because they've never heard me talk like that, but they don't know what she did. I still cry about it today. I won't tell them, not because I don't trust them- but, because I've never really spoken about what happened, to anyone.

I'm freaking out right now, there's something so strong within me that's telling me I have to damage her as a person in order to move on. I'm so angry right now, I'm so emotional I don't even know what to do. This girl's best friend, who I recently became good friends with literally lives two doors from my close friends. She visits her all the time. I have so much anxiety, because I've stayed at her best friend's house on several occasions. Any of these times she could have visited.

They invited me to celebrate this girl's birthday last week and luckily I couldn't make it. That was before I knew who she was. I don't know what I would've done- or how that would've played out. I'm not a violent person- but I truly hate how she is still breathing right now. I have so much venom inside me. I need to do something about this.

For now, I'm gonna stay quiet...

2012-01-13T20:35:00.000-08:00

it's going to have to be a silent victory indeed.

One day...

2012-01-11T21:27:00.000-08:00

I will stop pretending.

In the long run, my pretence will cause more damage.

I wish life was more simple, I wish I could spot potential problems earlier on.

I wish I could stop ignoring situations so I don't have to be the bad guy. Sometimes the bad guy is necessary.

It's 5:30am

I worry so much that I don't sleep. I don't need extra stress. This is making me ill.

You wouldn't know it to read my blog, but I'm so much happier in the day time lol.

I just realised...

2012-01-11T11:08:00.000-08:00

that for some reason, I tell everyone I only have one dimple, when I actually have two...but one is deeper and more noticeable than the other.

That made me sad, because I've always preferred people with one dimple; always more interesting- FACT!

So, I've locked myself away from most of the world again. Not answering my phone to people that don't make me feel good. It's not hedonism, it's self preservation. I've only spoken to three of my friends today, but one's my beautiful husband and the other two are people that are very special to me, so I can't ignore their calls.

This is a good thing, this is my recuperation period. I need it now especially because I haven't slept properly for around three months and haven't slept at all in the passed two weeks. That is dangerous- but I lay in bed all day so I have a small amount of energy. I need to start studying again.

I have to go out tomorrow, people won't let me be. But, I'll try and have a good day, take pictures.

When they're not around, I really dislike my friends...but when I'm with them, I remember why I keep them in my life, so that's why I know I have to go out with them when they force me. I don't wanna lose good friends.

Does anyone remember this song?

2012-01-10T11:57:00.000-08:00

Clearlake - No Kind of Life

It's so beautiful.

I was reminded of it when I was at my friend's house the other evening. It was in the end credits for the film Awake. Which is an okay, but psychologically challenging film.

You should check it out.

I loved...

2012-01-09T15:30:00.000-08:00

all my black teachers who were hard on me, because they knew life would be harder for me. I appreciated and understood it then and I soooo appreciate them all right now. I might have to try and find them on facebook to tell them so, but funnily enough, none of them are the facebook having type.

I would teach, just so I could be that black teacher…but, I don’t like small children, or any children to be fair.

I don't understand...

2012-01-09T15:00:00.001-08:00

why SOME black women are ALWAYS trying to bring other black women down. Don't they understand that cohesion right now is imperative?! Why don't these particular women understand that WE now set the tone for how we are perceived by others. Don't portray yourself in a certain way, make our daughters think certain behaviour is permissible and then get vexed when you feel you are being treated unfairly.

To be honest, there was a time when I believed a strong, educated and knowledgeable black women, had the potential to be THE most powerful tool on earth. I guess they still do, but, everything is so superficial, materialistic, post-modern...I see less of the caliber of women that are like my mother and that saddens and worries me.

Have some damn class and respect for yourself, if nothing else.

Wow...

2011-12-28T11:21:00.000-08:00

self destruction mode it is then.

Fuck it, I'm going to at least enjoy this one. I refuse to be sober for the next few weeks...or be at home.

I think I can turn depression into a fun thing, if I'm constantly off my face. Good thing with me is, I'll get bored and uncomfortable with that lifestyle, bounce back and get my shit on track again.

So, for now, it's destruction/ fuck it, mode. I'm down for that.

Man, I really just need to grow up.

Peace x

Le Merry Christmas :)

2011-12-25T15:40:00.000-08:00

Featuring my cousin.

Click pics for a close up.

Mum: Do a different pose, you look the same in all the pictures… :\
Me: Listen hunny, I know what works for me. You do you and I do me..now, take the pic!
Mum: *puts camera on the floor and continues to watch TV*

The hubs and I

2011-12-23T08:07:00.000-08:00

Such a good idea for a poem.

2011-12-22T13:06:00.000-08:00

This pessimistic poem, when read backwards, becomes optimistic. I hardly ever see this level of creativity in writing these days. Made me smile!

Lost Generation.

I’m a part of Lost Generation

and I refuse to believe that

I can change the world

I realize this may be a shock but

“Happiness comes from within”

is a lie, and

“Money will make me happy”

So in thirty years I’ll tell my children

They are not the most important thing in my life

My employer will know that

I have my priority straight because

Work

Is more important than

Family

I tell you this

Once upon a time

Families stay together

But this will not be true in my era

This is a quick fix society

Experts tell me

Thirty years from now I will be celebrating the 10th anniversary of my divorce

I do not concede that

I will live in a country of my own making

In the future

Environmental destruction will be the norm

No longer can it be said that

My peers and I care about this earth

It will be evident that

My generation is apathetic and lethargic

It is foolish to presume that

There is hope

And all of this will come true unless we reverse it.

Big brother.

2011-12-21T09:01:00.001-08:00

“Sometimes, I feel like the Internet’s watching me. Like, you guys all know of a secret website you can access, so that you can watch unsuspecting individuals through their laptop and I should stop whatever odd/ weird thing I’m doing at that moment and awkwardly laugh it off. I feel like that now. I feel so under pressure… *awkward chuckle* -_-”
— Kandgoods

Sometimes...

2011-12-17T02:31:00.000-08:00

it hurts that people always underestimate how weak and sensitive I am. Although I appear strong, they don't consider how hard it is for me to pretend to be that way. It really is an emotional strain. I rarely ever ask for help, if I do that means I need it.

I don't ask for help because you learn who really cares for you and who doesn't. The same reason I don't tell people my problems. On this rare occasion I made myself vulnerable and asked for help.

I will never ask for help again. I'd rather fucking crumble until there's nothing left and then I won't feel a thing.

That suits me just fine.

It hurts more, because I would do anything for anyone if they asked me.

This song is THE TRUTH

2011-12-14T12:47:00.000-08:00

How have I not heard this (probs cause I can't stand Nas)? I cried after the first verse...

Someone left this comment on the vid, regarding the word Sabali- "i do know... that's my language... the meaning is so deep...in our culture we have sentence that can't be explain ...u can just feel it n understand it your way.... sabaly is "stop" but not meaning stop.example " if you a bad mind and people tell you to sabaly that mean stop being a bad mind " my people use sabali for deep advices..."

John (Ambilanz), do you like this?

LYRICS:

Sabali, Sabali, Sabali, yonkontê
Sabali, Sabali, Sabali, kiye
Ni kêra môgô
Sabali, Sabali, Sabali, yonkontê
Sabali, Sabali, Sabali, kagni
Ni kêra môgô

Some of the smartest dummies
Can't read the language of Egyptian mummies
An' a fly go a moon
And can't find food for the starving tummies
Pay no mind to the youths
Cause it's not like the future depends on it
But save the animals in the zoo
Cause the chimpanzee dem a make big money
This is how the media pillages
On the TV the picture is
Savages in villages
And the scientist still can't explain the pyramids, huh
Evangelists making a living on the videos of ribs of the little kids
Stereotyping the image of the images
And this is what the image is
You buy a khaki pants
And all of a sudden you say a Indiana Jones
An' a thief out gold and thief out the scrolls and even the buried bones
Some of the worst paparazzis I've ever seen and I ever known
Put the worst on display so the world can see
And that's all they will ever show
So the ones in the west
Will never move east
And feel like they could be at home
Dem get tricked by the beast
But a where dem ago flee when the monster is fully grown?
Solomonic linage whe dem still can't defeat and them coulda never clone
My spiritual DNA that print in my soul and I will forever Own Lord

Sabali, Sabali, Sabali, yonkontê
Sabali, Sabali, Sabali, kiye
Ni kêra môgô
Sabali, Sabali, Sabali, yonkontê
Sabali, Sabali, Sabali, kagni
Ni kêra môgô

Huh, we born not knowing, are we born knowing all?
We growing wiser, are we just growing tall?
Can you read thoughts? can you read palms?
Huh, can you predict the future? can you see storms, coming?
The Earth was flat if you went too far you would fall off

Now the Earth is round if the shape change again everybody woulda start laugh
The average man can't prove of most of the things that he chooses to speak of
And still won't research and find out the root of the truth that you seek of
Scholars teach in Universities and claim that they're smart and cunning
Tell them find a cure when we sneeze and that's when their nose start running
And the rich get stitched up, when we get cut
Man a heal dem broken bones in the bush with the wed mud
Can you read signs? can you read stars?
Can you make peace? can you fight war?
Can you milk cows, even though you drive cars? huh
Can you survive, Against All Odds, Now?

Sabali, Sabali, Sabali, yonkontê
Sabali, Sabali, Sabali, kiye
Ni kêra môgô
Sabali, Sabali, Sabali, yonkontê
Sabali, Sabali, Sabali, kagni
Ni kêra môgô

Who wrote the Bible? Who wrote the Qur'an?
And was it a lightning storm
That gave birth to the earth
And then dinosaurs were born? damn
Who made up words? who made up numbers?
And what kind of spell is mankind under?
Everything on the planet we preserve and can it
Microwaved it and try it
No matter what we'll survive it
What's hu? what's man? what's human?
Anything along the land we consuming
Eatin', deletin', ruin
Trying to get paper
Gotta have land, gotta have acres
So I can sit back like Jack Nicholson
Watch niggas play the game like the lakers
In a world full of 52 fakers
Gypsies, seances, mystical prayers
You superstitious? throw salt over your shoulders
Make a wish for the day cuz
Like somebody got a doll of me
Stickin' needles in my arteries
But I can't feel it
Sometimes it's like 'pardon me, but I got a real big spirit'
I'm fearless.... I'm fearless
Don't you try and grab hold of my soul
It's like a military soldier since seven years old
I held real dead bodies in my arms
Felt their body turn cold, oh
Why we born in the first place
If this is how we gotta go?
Damn.

Matty got OLD! :p

2011-12-14T06:31:00.000-08:00

Click le pics for a close up x

Old mewsik

2011-12-13T11:29:00.000-08:00

Was going through an old song collection and found this:

Made me smile a lot :)

To be honest,

2011-12-11T05:47:00.000-08:00

sometimes I really am a fricken idiot.

*sighs*

meh, Whadayougonnadew, ay!

2011-12-08T16:35:00.000-08:00

Meh, I sound so fucking whiny today. Fuck it, it's whatever.

Life.

letting go...

2011-12-05T12:29:00.000-08:00

Life is cool, because these days I find I bounce back quite easily and it has a lot to do with the people I surround myself with. Right now we are all going through shit, but we keep each other positive- because we are uncomfortable with the alternative. I like that, we often put things into perspective and that way it's easy to see we have significantly better lives than most people. That being said, I won't hold onto or welcome negativity in my life. I'm not going down that road again and I won't put myself out there, especially when it's to my detriment.

I've been accepting life as it comes...

2011-12-02T02:02:00.000-08:00

for a while now. But, I really do not have the fucking patience for it anymore. I haven't slept for over a fucking month, certain people are plain bullying the fuck out of me. I'm either going to be very suicidal or very murderous soon- but either way I'm going to flip and some one's gonna fucking die.

So sick of this shit.

I really wish my husband and I could just go somewhere new and not have to be around these dumb fucks.

Vent over, no I don't ever want to talk about it. Bye.

John Frusciante...

2011-11-30T11:55:00.000-08:00

of Red Hot Chilli Peppers fame, released this song for drugs money. He was at the height of his addiction and his health was in tatters. You can regularly hear him coughing, through his high incoherent ramblings, screechings and cryptic lyrics...at some point he sounds like a samurai *reallyface*. At this time he became a recluse, lived in squalor (which his pal Johnny Depp made a short film about) and never left his rancid, Hollywood mansion.

This song says a lot to me and for some reason I really love it. It reminds me of the hole I go back to when I'm down.

Today I learned to play some songs on my guitar, including some Chilli Peppers shite. My fingers hurt.

pour toi, init.

2011-11-21T15:52:00.000-08:00

You don’t believe in faith and hope, so I do that for you. I drape it in biology and psychology theories, because I understand that with you, “something tangible” is the notion you like to cling to. I had expressed to Dom it had nearly been a year and I was worried that you would remember, although I knew you had never forgot. Because you place sentimental value on dates and I remember thinking, pleading that this particular one would be the exception and yet knowing that it would not.

One thing I never wanted was for you to think this side of you was some kind of disposition, it’s constant yes, but what’s more constant is the shitty people in your life. I sometimes struggle to see how you can so vehemently reject the notion of faith and things happening for a reason and so readily accept the idea that the way you are is a product of your decision making in life, that you had some control and actively made a “wrong” decision, when most of the time, you didn’t choose to have these kinds of people in your life. They didn’t turn into predators as a result of being around you, they recognised that they could become a predator around you. They were always predators. That’s human disposition. Don’t feel that it was a fault of your own, that you catalysed some radical change in these people, because the truth is they were always that person.

Have you ever stopped to think that maybe this “disposition” of yours wouldn’t be so constant, if you weren’t constantly experiencing traumatic or horrific let downs by other people. It’s just been a string of shitty people that you didn’t invite into your life, if you had known what some of them would turn into; you wouldn’t willingly invite them into your life. If you could see the future on the other hand, then you would be to blame and you could rightfully call this a “disposition”, being fully aware of the outcome and the effect certain individuals would have on you and still constantly, knowingly putting yourself in harms way. But, you can’t predict the future. This is not about you, this is about the fact that people will screw you over if they are that way inclined and they see an opportunity. Humans are hedonistic, opportunists. Everyone knows that.

What you are, is something special. Predators don’t know how to treat someone special, so they use them instead. I have never had a friend like you, I worry so much that one day I’m going to wake up and you won’t be there. It hurts. It hurts, because I know I should be doing more, saying more. But I don’t, because sometimes I just don’t know what to say, I worry that it won’t be enough- or that it will come off too preachy. I know how you feel about preachy people, I hate them too. But, the way I preach to you isn’t down to some self righteous need to let others know how they should be living their life, according to my standards- it’s out of concern and love and worry only. Sometimes, I feel like bullying you into getting better- but I can’t seem to think of doing it in a way that won’t push you to hate me. Like, I say “Vanilla, get me tea before I die” or something and you will, but this isn’t as easy. I can’t boss you into being ok, so I just want to be there for you and I accept everything that comes with it. Even if some days you just don’t want to talk.

I still plan to get you that 'My Little Pony' leaving cake, as a birthday cake. I’ve even found someone to make it. So even if you feel you have fuck all else to live for….that’s a bomb azz cake yo! So you should defo stick around for that, at least. I love you x

oot and aboot: Brixton, Milton Keynes & Central London.

2011-11-12T13:21:00.001-08:00

**Click on the pics for close ups of ma smexxxyyy face**

(Don't click the one's where my hair obviously lacks upkeep)

Milton Keynes- went to visit a mate.

2011-10-18T05:34:00.003-07:00

MORE TO COME SOON! X

A prediction...

2011-10-18T05:34:00.001-07:00

‎'Owners of capital will stimulate the working man to buy more and more expensive goods, houses and technology, pushing them to take more and more expensive credit, until their debt becomes unbearable. The unpaid debt will lead to bankruptcy of banks, which will have to become nationalised...' Karl Marx (1867)

Not my words, but I cosign 100%

2011-09-24T10:30:00.000-07:00

I had a really interesting discussion about identity, self hate, cultural capital etc with my BFF today and it got me thinking of Margaret Bowland’s selection of paintings of young black girls in white face. When asked to comment on ‘Kenyetta and Brianna’ Bowland that ‘It is a commentary on how women still have to jump through all these hoops to be desirable. These girls are still visible beneath all those layers of crap … they’re still looking back at you.’ I think that a lot of black girls looking at Bowland’s paintings would say that the metaphor transcends beyond the art world. For many black girls Bowland’s paintings are a life metaphor - reflecting a reality where black girls are often marginalised by European standards of beauty. I agree with Cherise Kramarae when she states that ‘For women of color who are viewers, trying to achieve idealised femininity entails not only adjusting or refining one’s body, but also rejecting one’s identity and certain characteristics altogether. To resist this artificial standard is to stand apart from beauty as defined by society’. The frustrating thing for me is that even if you put the fact that there is very little aesthetic diversity across all media platforms to the side, in the black community we impose European standards of beauty on each other with a vengeance. It’s black men that make fun of Alek Wek and it’s black girls arguing about natural hair v relaxer/weave war (e.g ‘These little nappy headed hoes need a terminator’ - Nicki Minaj) etc. It’s this infighting that is the real tragedy.

Somebody told a lie and we believed it.

Read more: http://allthingsblackwomen.tumblr.com/page/28#ixzz1YtNEP7ot

Face pic:

2011-09-22T05:45:00.000-07:00

Wales...

2011-09-21T04:18:00.000-07:00

was fun, I sometimes miss it...not the place, the actual "holiday".

I'm being f'real...

2011-09-16T06:40:00.000-07:00

I've become obsessed with this song...

2011-09-15T07:29:00.001-07:00

Wild Beasts- Albatross:

I must listen to their whole album, when I get le chance. You should too :)

I'M GONNA BE HERE THIS TIME NEXT YEAR!

2011-09-05T11:16:00.000-07:00

I'm SOOOOOO excited!

Went out.

2011-08-31T05:47:00.001-07:00

A couple pics from Friday night and Saturday morning (didn't get home till after 11am). I've had tonsillitis since that morning...bad times (never sharing drinks again, don't care how close we are- don't even care if I gave birth to you). On the plus side I got to hang out with my two favourite models from my favourite TV programme at the moment. It was a tres awesome night, indeed! More pics to come later.

This is my mate Aaron and I. His locs are gorgeous!

Karma is a bitch...no, really.

2011-08-17T17:01:00.000-07:00

To say I hold grudges, would be an understatement. Although I'm aware how unhealthy it is to harbour negative feelings, I can't help but feel a sense of relief and justice being served, when someone gets their just desserts.

This has just been one of those moments. Why yes...I am gloating.

It's rather unattractive, but I'm ok with that.

2011-08-02T16:02:00.001-07:00

These unprovoked attacks just make me sick.
The backpedaling adds insult.

I remember every sly occasion certain people attempt to ruin my day and then say.."oh it was all a misunderstanding"- bullshit. I'm just not that gullible.

Thankfully I've had a great day and I'm in a wonderful mood. Nothing will change how good I feel right now :)

Up and away...

2011-08-02T14:00:00.000-07:00

Very excited for my holiday. Was very upset when I had to put it on hold this year, 'cause I had delayed my may exams, in order to do them at a later date- due to the stresses of earlier this year :|

- I know what camera I'm purchasing and bringing ('cause my DSLR is too large and my mini cam is sh*te quality).

- I know what my playlist for travelling there, will be.

- I know who's coming with me, more or less.

- I just need to find out where the best clubs are and figure out the best (cheapest) month to travel in.

- I'm sad one of my mates couldn't make it, but she just got back from holiday- so f*ck that beeeych!

- I'm excited, can you tell?

xxxxxxxxx

Catch ups.

2011-07-31T07:53:00.000-07:00

So I went out last night, had my hair in a cute little bun. Had a lovely night, remembered how much I like men.

Dude...if I wasn't married :D Just kidding...

Yeah, so I'm going Italy soon with my mates (Italian men...*drool*) just to get away from London life and chillax. I might go to France after, but it depends on if I can find enough people to come with me.

These are going to be strictly partying holidays, clubbing every night and possibly day. I'm excited.

Tune!

2011-07-31T07:45:00.000-07:00

Loving this song, I usually HATE slow songs. This is an exception.

Yeah...so I'm doing this now...

2011-07-19T20:36:00.000-07:00

It's 4:40am...DJ Lance is my fave! lol

This is nice.

2011-07-19T18:14:00.000-07:00

It's 2:15am. I'm sooo awake. I just don't sleep these days, I don't eat either. I'm so full of energy.

I genuinely think that when I'm not exposed to draining situations for a while, I just turn into a ball of energy. It's nice.

This morning, I had a plum, yesterday I never ate and for the past few weeks I've had one thing to eat per day, more or less. Yet...I'm just not hungry. I'm not tired. I feel like I'm finally getting back to the old me, after a really rough 9/10 months. I just hope it can stay this way.

I've been out with a different friend each day this week and will do so until the end of the week. It's nice to be around old friends, with familiar territory. It's nice that we can just pick up where we left off, with ease. It's just all really nice.

I don't remember the last time I was this positive, but I think I can appreciate that one of the main reason's for this is because I wasn't around these people, as much as I should've been. I've opened myself up to them again and I'm happier for it. My phone has been ringing non-stop. Sometimes, it's nice to feel over-valued lol!

I will be having an amazing day tomorrow, with 2 of my besties! I should probs try and get some sleep. I had planned to do a new YouTube vid, but I've not even had a chance to look at my laptop today. Posting the pics totally took up any time I had to spare.

I'm wondering when I'm going to burn out. I'm sure it will be beautifully spectacular and I'll smile at the lingering shadow of the thought, of what was a lovely few days, whilst I'm slumped down comfortably on my futon ready and willing for a few days of lie ins and some me time.

Peace x

Hair did...

2011-07-19T06:47:00.000-07:00

I've had my hair retightened finally, after about 3 months. My loctician was disappointed in my lack of dedication lol. I was like "love, I have a lack of money...it's really not about dedication!" lol

I can finally do nice styles, yay!

I woke up

Decided to go out. Done my make up- does not look great because I only have eyeshadow and lip gloss on.

Vanilla Bear and Chocolate Bear awesomeness.

2011-07-18T01:16:00.001-07:00

What are we doing?

Oh, you know...we're just chirrring!

FUCKIN' A, Vanilla Bear!

2011-07-17T14:37:00.000-07:00

GO VANILLA BEAR!

Stole this off my dude's blog, you should go have a read as she is funnier and smarter and generally better than most ppl on tumblr:

111. With all this talk of terrorism going around are you willing to sacrifice rights and freedoms for increased safety?

No, I think that terrorism is being used as a blanket excuse to take away civil liberties and it’s a dangerous precedent to set. I’m all for safety but I think that taking away our freedom in order to safeguard it doesn’t actually make a whole lot of sense. We have it a lot easier here compared to America. I don’t particularly like being treated like a criminal at airports just because I have an Arabic name either.

112. What is the punishment you would come up with for Osama Bin Laden if you caught him alive?

Well he’s dead now and personally I think that he’s a war criminal and a terrorist and should be treated as such. He’s no more evil than George Bush who is also a war criminal and terrorist. It’s all about perception. I also don’t think that killing him made the slightest bit of difference to the world, it was symbolic dick measuring on Americas part more than anything. al-Qaeda has not been weakened by his death, neither are we any safer.

Her link: http://girlonthewall.tumblr.com

2011-07-17T07:52:00.000-07:00

Clearly this song has been on repeat all day. It just sounds so familiar...the melody. Is it sampled? I keep getting flashbacks...very vague. I hate when I can't figure out what songs remind me of, if that makes sense.

If someone knows why this song sound so familiar, please let a girl know.

I need to go toilet. It is le far.

Bye.

2011-07-17T04:00:00.000-07:00

Prefer this to the Donovan original. I can only find live performances that are full length though.

Whatryougonnado eh? Still sounds lovely :)

So...this is my face...

2011-07-14T16:36:00.000-07:00

check it.

2011-07-14T05:22:00.000-07:00

Gets increasingly harder to like someone when they've lied to you and are persistent in lying, even though you've given them several opportunities to tell the truth.

However, if someone isn't going to be completely truthful to me, then they must have their reasons and it's not for me to force the truth out of them.

But, I will not be blamed for any of my actions that occur as a result of my distrust for them.

Such is life, eh?

Otherwise, I'm in a rather delightful mood today. The week has been nice thus far :)

WHY?!

2011-07-11T09:58:00.000-07:00

I hate when I have too much time on my hands, because it's almost as though I auto revert to recalling embarrassing events that have occurred in the past. It's like I have some innate need to self-depreciate whenever I get bored lol. It's horrid. I'll be sitting there, casually minding my own business, realise there ain't sh*t to do but think and then all of a sudden I get a series mortifying flashbacks. Usually recounting times of failed past attempts at flirting, falling over or awkward, angst driven, public, teenage melodramatics. Oh dear.

WHY do I do this to myself. It's like I delve to the furthest reaches of my mind, to drag out sh*t I deliberately suppressed, to avoid the sting of humiliation that follows immediately after recollection. I can never look back and laugh at my embarrassing moments, cause I don't give myself a chance to live them down.

How sad.

Anyways.

ARRGHH! Someone keep me entertained!

Makes me think of him :)

2011-07-09T03:52:00.000-07:00

On repeat today, methinks.

2011-07-09T03:12:00.000-07:00

"Misery is easy, it's happiness you have to work at"- The Priest in Ondine.

I really love this film, not just because it's about a lady from the sea lol

2011-07-06T09:36:00.000-07:00

This man is a genius of comedy, or something similar. I don't know...it would be weird/ creepy to love him anymore than I already do right now, without having met him.

So...I need to know where he lives. I'm not a stalker.

I'm kind of a stalker.

Transition.

2011-07-04T03:10:00.001-07:00

Narrated Abu Hurairah (r.a): The Prophet (pbuh) said, "Religion is very easy and whoever overburdens himself in his religion will not be able to continue in that way. so you should not be extremist, but try to be near to perfection and receive the good tidings that you will be rewarded."

Transition is the key word, we are aiming for the ultimate goal. Alhamdulilah.

Lia Ices- Grown Unknown

2011-07-03T09:45:00.000-07:00

Lovely song- my fave' part is near the end.

Just love Weezer.

2011-07-01T05:01:00.000-07:00

This song was never really significant for me when I was younger, I liked it how I like the majority of their stuff; but it was never a favourite.

But now, for some reason I like listening to it. Not so much the words; it's about River's ex leaving him 'cause he was an arse. I just like the melody.

It's on repeat. Today's a Weezer day. Weezer make me happy...the older material, that is.

2011-06-30T14:41:00.000-07:00

I've just received some wonderful news, I'm on such a high...I don't think I could be happier and it came as such a shock, because I was so doubtful.

In keeping with this vibe, I've decided to be less negative, in general.

karl Pilkington and Chineseses

2011-06-30T02:10:00.000-07:00

I'll tell you why the video below is amazing. It's amazing, because I love Karl Pilkington...he's so simple minded, that his ideas are both innovative AND laughable.

I've been watching episodes of the Ricky Gervais show (although I've already seen them all lol) and An Idiot Abroad, all last night and this morning. I LOVE Karl.

Some Karl-isms:

He very seriously, described the pyramids in Egypt as "like a game of Jenga, that got out of hand..."

He also said the Chinese "wreck everything"...because "their chicken is orange".

You HAVE to watch a few eps of The Ricky Gervais Show, before you watch An Idiot Abroad, so you can somewhat grasp the way in which Karl’s thoughts are processed.

Another reason why this video is the jokes-est thing in the world, is because everything is funnier, when Chineseses are involved. Although slightly stereotypical (some may say racist), I'm both aware and ok with that statement.

I died @ Karl trying to get them to pronounce the L in his name...."karrraa". LOL

Aahhh, he’s special indeed.

2011-06-28T04:59:00.000-07:00

I'm in a somewhat better mood, now that I've watched some of the new series of True Blood.

Here's my face:

Studying?

2011-06-17T06:52:00.000-07:00

Supposed to be studying, but I'm on my two favourite-estttt sites. They make me smile...and ting.

www.songmeanings.net

www.lamebook.com

=D

I'm also taking suggestions for other sites that I can use for procrastination purposes.

**Edit**

Blogger suggestions:

www.postsecret.com

www.damnyouautocorrect.com

www.youknowyourealondonerwhen.tumblr.com

*****************************************

(Ambilanz, long time, no? I got rid of my tumblr, 'cause everyone on tumblr is up themselves...besides you, of course)

This month's theme tune:

2011-06-16T15:03:00.001-07:00

So loving this song. It's on replay negro!

Hijabi.

2011-06-15T12:07:00.000-07:00

I had my dressing gown on because my house is famously cold, as you can probably tell I am indeed fully dressed underneath and hadn't just woken up. I was getting ready to go and watch Honey2 at the cinema, with my niece. It is the worst movie created, as I had suspected.

On the bright side, all pain has stopped and I feel so much better. I feel good. Optimistic.

2011-06-11T06:00:00.000-07:00

Spoke to my husband, I told him what happened. He told me it's beautiful that I'm like this because I care too much. He said it's a rare, but beautiful quality. He also told me that I shouldn't be sad that we have two angel babies in paradise.

My friend told me she would always be there for me, no matter how much I push her away (which is a lot).

They both told me they love me.

I love them.

Traumatic...graphic.

2011-06-11T05:06:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was an extremely painful day. I thought I was dying. I decided then to view what's occurring from a biological point of view. To lessen the significance. If this happens several times, I don't want it to hold emotional significance for me- that, I can't deal with. It's just an egg and sperm that met and didn't continue.

I'll tell you what I've been up to in the past hour.

I sat on the toilet till my legs went numb. I kept thinking "I'm so sick of seeing remnants of what could've been my child and it's temporary home". It got really painful and that stunned me. I wasn't expecting that degree of pain, it wasn't this painful last time. I didn't allow myself to feel a way. I told myself, this was a necessary occurrence. I got in the bath, because we have guests coming. I got in the bath and I wouldn't stop bleeding. I wouldn't stop bleeding, not even for a second. There were loads of clots. I kept thinking "There goes another piece of child"- making light of the situation, not that it made me laugh. I started crying, in fact. Then I started to scream. I had so many thoughts racing through my mind. I said "fuck you for making me go through this" to the masses of blood that was coming out of me, then I convinced myself I would be a bad mother and it's a good thing I wasn't pregnant. Then I decided I would never have kids, then I decided the world is shit, everyone is shit and it's not worth bringing a child into. The pain was so immense. I ended up a quivering mess, in the bath. Whimpering and begging myself to "please stop bleeding" over and over again. I hated myself some more. Then the realisation came to me, that I was back in that dark place. That place that was lonely and I never seem to remember anything about what it's like to be in that place, other than it's the worst place in the world. I feel like another bout of depression is coming on...is here, even though I've barely left the last. There is no one I trust enough to talk about it, I hate the vulnerable feeling of expressing feelings. Knowing it Will be trivialised, when they're recounting my problems to someone else. I never thought I cared about what's happening now, I didn't think it was enough to push me over the edge and back to that place. At this point I was hysterical, heavily bleeding, couldn't breathe for all the snot in my nose and the phlegm in my throat. I looked down and saw all the blood and clots and no matter how much I tried to clean myself, they just kept coming and coming, no matter how much I begged God to help me. I started to heave at the sight. I felt like I was convulsing inside.

I was struggling to breathe and crying and bleeding and in pain and now holding in vomit, which hurt...a lot. All the while I kept thinking "I just want to be happy or die now, because what I'm feeling is killing me slowly". I was upset at the fact that something so minor, could make me feel like this. I'm not starving in some third world country, I'm not being abused. I don't know why I'm so shallow and I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.

I cleaned myself up, got out the bath- shoved a tampon in cause I was so done with it all. I remembered my sister warning me yesterday that I mustn't wear a tampon whilst I'm clotting because it could kill me and I told her I didn't care. I didn't, I don't...but, I do. I don't want to die, but I know the concept of happiness is a mean trick. And why would I want to live life...hating it. I was in a heap on the bathroom floor now, crying. I couldn't breathe at all at this point. I messaged my friend and told her I hated her, because no one gives enough of a fuck. I contemplated the idea of being a super bitch and hurting everyone I could find, that was happy. I just lay on the floor snivelling for the next 20 minutes and thinking. Then my mum called me and I remembered we had guests coming. So I picked myself up, got dressed (which was difficult 'cause I could see nothing through all the tears) and went to clean my room. She asked my why my face looked "like that"...I said I was born that way and went on about my daily chores.

I don't know how I feel now, just numb I guess. The pain has subsided. I'm really tired and worn out, it's not even 2pm and I have guests to entertain.

Well...

2011-06-09T01:12:00.000-07:00

I'm addressing the rant I had up the other day, regarding people saying that no one would care if I died and to "get over it" and other people making me feel as though I'd never be good enough to be their friend or as valued as their other friend/s. I know a lot of people read it and asked what was going on and I'm sure some of you wouldn't understand how things like that would have me crying for several days in a row. The underlying issue is, I'm currently going through a miscarriage for the 2nd time in the space of just over 2 months. I'm not worried, I know it's common and I know something like 70% of early pregnancies will end like this blah blah, but it's still a really horrible occurrence and I don't know whether or not it's the hormones or what's happening or both, but I've been really down. I specifically only tried to conceive last month, opposed to this month because I didn't want to have to experience this again so soon, but I suppose it has to happen so that my endometrium can prep itself properly, eventually. So both months I got positive preggo tests and the family members and close friends I told were happy and then everything fucked up. Bled heavily, no more positive tests and that was that. This time round I only told my bestie and she was really supportive- but I was guarded and she knew that meant to move on in the convo. I don't want to talk about it or dwell on it or be reminded of it. I can't talk about it to my husband because he's devastated and if he knew how much it was getting to me, he would be crushed and I don't want him worrying over me. It's unnecessary. I'm getting over it, I've never really needed to talk to anyone about my issues. Anyways, just wanted to let you know what was going on that morning, that's around about when I started to bleed. I'm physically an emotionally spent. It's really painful.

2011-06-03T04:16:00.000-07:00

2011-05-31T11:29:00.000-07:00

This song reminds me of a time when I was drowning. I was drowning in a sea of doubts, anger and a perceived loneliness. But, the occasional bubbles kept me happy. So whenever I hear it now, I feel warm and teary...

I spoke with my husband...

2011-05-26T11:50:00.000-07:00

and he gave me some good advice. I feel better.

I don't have to end a friendship just yet, I just need to lay my feelings on the table and see how they are taken. So thank you to Oldine and thank you to my husband.

I always forget that we're allowed to share our problems and ask for guidance.

2011-05-26T06:17:00.000-07:00

"If you can't solve it, it isn't a problem - it's reality. And sometimes reality is the hardest thing to understand and the thing that takes the longest to realise. But once it hits you in the face you'll never forget it. It will always be there in your memories and sometimes that is the best way to look at it." - ???

complicated.

2011-05-25T14:45:00.001-07:00

I can't sleep, I'm crying.

There's someone in my life right now, who I cannot have there in the future. Through no fault of their own- it's just not a friendship that can carry on. It wasn't built on a good foundation and that continues to sadden me. I don't know how to sever this tie. This friendship just has a way of making me feel so suicidal. I feel like a dependee. I would never go there...suicide that is, but I'm just this fragile person who has to be careful who she brings into her life. I know this friendship will destroy me...especially if I don't say something soon, but how?

I feel terrible. They would be totally understanding. This isn't something that would make me happy, but it's for the best.

Me.

2011-05-18T14:18:00.000-07:00

2011-04-20T08:40:00.000-07:00

http://kandgoods.tumblr.com/

-

2011-04-18T11:45:00.000-07:00

Pour Homme...

2011-04-17T07:12:00.000-07:00

I love how your hands are always warm, I love how I can hear you click your nose and fart on the other end of the phone. I love how you laugh, I love how when things are bad, you always try to stay optimistic. I love how you ask me what certain words mean when people say them in a certain sentence and question their motives; it reminds me of me. I love how you trust me and love me and you make it a point to tell me everyday. I love how you tell me everything. I love how you don’t tell me SOME things to protect me from life. I love how you know what the 7 O clock rule is (Don’t tell me scary/sad things after 7pm or I won’t sleep) and how you ignore it anyway. I love how you try to put me in my place, it’s sexy. I love how you always laugh and call me cute when I get angry. I love how you always try to wind me up, by saying the same things that you know will get on my nerves, over and over until I switch- then you laugh and call me cute lol. I love how you kiss me on my forehead. I love how you breathe into my mouth when we kiss and tell me to breathe out into yours- I dunno, feels like a piece of our spirits mix each time. I love when you tell me to put my head on your chest. I love how you say “NOOOOO” when you disagree with what I’m saying, really loudly so you don’t have to hear what I’m saying. I love how you try to say “I love you too” really quietly when we’re saying goodbye on the phone, because you don’t want your boys to hear. It makes me giggle every time lol. I love how you slurp your tea when it’s hot. I love how you take forever to finish the food I make you, so you can savour every bit of it. I love when you stop me in the middle of whatever I’m doing, hold my face, look into my eyes and say “you know I love you, right?” I love how you know the names and characteristics of all four of our made up future children. I love how you always talk to me in that tender tone. I love how you always know what to say to make me feel better, truth is you could probably say anything, as long as it’s followed by “I love you” (which it always is) then I’m auto-happy! I love how you do your goofy dancing when you’re randomly happy. I love all the pet names and terms of endearment you use for me, especially “Zainy”. I love how you respond to anything I call you- just because I say it in a loving tone. I love how you annoy me, I love how you make me laugh, I love how you apologise even when I’m in the wrong. I love how you immediately recognise when I’m trying to start a pointless argument for attention and tell me to calm down, because you love me. I love how easy it is for me to reason with you, because you never hold grudges against me about anything I’ve done to upset or anger you. I love how our relationship has grown. I love where we are at now. I love the prospects of our future. I love...I just love you.

ugh...regrets.

2011-04-17T04:54:00.000-07:00

Really regretting meeting some people. Have made such mistakes in the past. Pointless, worthless mistakes. I'm so glad THAT did not carry on, I'm so glad I barely remember it now. Totally could've messed up my future...soooooooooooooo not worth it, I realise that more than ever now. Biggest regret.

**EDIT**

I only have MYSELF to blame, I cannot be angry at anyone else. So I won't be...

Someone I CAN trust :)

2011-04-16T09:11:00.000-07:00

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥I love him dearly. You will never meet a more genuine person, no matter what he does or says- it's a result of him wearing his heart on his sleeve. Silly boy, it'll be the death of him one day.
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Today has been nice :)

2011-04-16T08:23:00.001-07:00

Seriously, I just don't know where I pick up all these toxic friends. I'm done believing I'm at fault...I'm done believing I'm to blame for their stupid strops and the issues they take up with me. If you want to do that, go ahead. If you want to cause tension, be my guest- we can sit in silence the whole day, a year even. I'm not going to censor myself for anyone; I do not give a fuck. Why is everyone so scared to be alone- I would give up all of my friends in a heartbeat, if their actions were consistently detrimental to my wellbeing. I was born alone, I'll die alone; no amount of cohesion in a friendship will change that.

People are so manipulative. I hate that. I get that it could be a subconscious thing; the way in which people phrase things, or the persuasive language they use. This is why I try to ignore it, because we all do it. We are all deliberate in a lot of the things we choose to say. Our brains have evolved, we're complex social beings and we’ve adapted to living accordingly. Outwitting has replaced kill or be killed, in the literal sense, as a means to get what you need out of another. FUCK altruism, it’s rarely ever reciprocated. It costs, I know, because there was a time when I tried to help everyone- regardless of how it was consequential to me. I was so selfless, when I realised how selfless I was, I was proud of the fact. Now it’s left me bitter. It wakes you up, to the harsh reality of “humanity”. No one does a kind act for nothing- I have never met anyone who has, apart from my mother. It’s left her ill.

I hate when people say pointless things to try and get you to see how much they “care” about you, or how much they are prepared to sacrifice for you. I wouldn’t put someone in a scenario whereby they would have to sacrifice anything for me, so stop talking shit with all the "I would do this for you...", when you're aware you would never have to. It's a PLOY; another manipulative tool. Tell me all these things and act in a contradictory way, charming.

I know all those things, which is all the more reason that you will not be able to disguise your motives. You can promise me the world and its wife if you like...but ultimately, you're just another person that I've met in my life. MY LIFE. If I don't want you here, you're gone. So save all the verbal manipulation. I may fall sometimes, but I've never been a weak person. I'd rather be alone than with friends I do not trust. I will ALWAYS be wary of people. Humans are disgusting, if they could truly get away with murder, I wouldn’t put it past anyone. We all want the best for ourselves. It’s in our genetic make up. Some people haven’t evolved past their primitive, “id” dependant urges. Funnily enough, a lot of those people are my “friends”. They don’t disguise it very well either lol. Shut the fuck up. I don’t NEED any of them in my life. Fuck up ONCE…and they’re gone. Now throw a fucking strop…

My face...again. You love it, don't lie.

2011-04-09T14:48:00.001-07:00

Today I've been randomly emotional. Blahhhh. Manic indeed.

Click for a close up? No?...ok. That's deep.

Waiting to internalise this...

2011-04-08T13:00:00.000-07:00

"Never be bullied into silence.Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself." - Harvey Fierstein

I ended my friendship with a best friend of 6 years. It hurt, but I feel better for it. Sometimes, it's necessary to move on in life. Being comfortable isn't a good enough excuse to stay in an unhealthy relationship with anyone.

I'm very sensitive...

2011-04-01T10:12:00.000-07:00

I don't hold onto grudges. I hold onto hurt and it's important that you understand that about me- why, because I do what I can to make sure ppl know that I will always be there for them and I want to be able to feel the same about my friends.

You know?

Curls- pipe cleaner results (4th day)

2011-03-19T14:54:00.001-07:00

I mean, you can click the pics for a close up if you want- but, I wouldn't if I were you...scary.

Some days I'm an optimist.

2011-03-09T07:25:00.000-08:00

She sat staring at me for a while, so I assumed she had an issue with me. I'm typically defensive.

I had my public transport face on, basically a scowl. So conditioned to dislike other commuters, and avoid unnecessary human interaction, I was taken aback when the lady sat beside me on the bus turned to me and smiled. I saw six top row teeth, they weren't perfectly aligned, but they were a pleasant surprise. Not knowing the appropriate manner in which to react I sat there blank faced for all of about 10 seconds...that's a hell of a long period to be staring, expressionless in someone's face. In the end I managed a blatantly exaggerated smile and felt bad for a bit. She was West African, early forties perhaps. Round in shape.

She made my day a little bit better.

I made sure I said bye to her when I got off the bus...we got off the bus at the same stop. I was unaware she would be walking beside me in the same direction after I had tried to wave her off. That was kind of awkward. She still made my day better though, reminded me that humanity is still visible through some cracks in this post modern era. I'm hopeful.

Re-tightening!

2011-02-23T15:03:00.001-08:00

Ok, so after reviewing the pics and looking at myself in the mirror I decided to get my hair done. It was made easier by my new loctician who gave me her card and offered a cheap deal at her new salon, close to my house. She's very professional and the results are amazing. Good quality results for cheap prices! I no longer look like a lion...more a lioness!

Click the pics for a close up. It's so sexy!

(Plus a pic of me in school, back in the days...)

Good vibrations...

2011-02-23T14:39:00.001-08:00

Click the pics for close ups. (Warning, my hair looks really bad- it's about 3 months worth of growth maybe more, barring the front which I try to keep neat...ish)

Thanks for following! x

Sometimes...

2011-02-20T14:31:00.001-08:00

I question why no matter what I do, I'm always in the wrong. I feel like a monster. These are the times that I wish to stop existing altogether. Life's too complicated for people like me.

One of those Kandgoods quotes...again...

2011-02-20T03:37:00.000-08:00

"- Anything the media promotes heavily, do not trust. Like "haters", it's definitely not good to have people around you that actively want to bring you down. Do your thing and don't alter your plan for any inconsequential being, but don't try and create enemies on your journey to success. Bad Idea."

Kandgoods.

Hooked on that chronic...only joking, it's shisha...

2011-02-19T16:40:00.001-08:00

Camwhoring at a sexy shisha bar in East London.

Click on the pics for a close up.